Sat, Jul. 5th, 2008, 10:46 pm
My grandfather passed away Wednesday night.
It's just now hitting me.
I'm glad that he's no longer in pain, but I will miss him so much.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to write my paper, that's due Monday, and prepare a presentation that I'm supposed to make up on Monday. I'm so behind, and I have no motivation right now.
I'm incredibly depressed.
Sun, Jun. 29th, 2008, 07:11 pm
It's been awhile. I'm seeing someone new. Well, we started hanging out a few months ago. Hanging out turned into sleep overs with just sleep. A couple of months ago we ended up having sex, and that turned into a fuck buddy situation with feelings, which turned into love. He actually told me that he intended to just date me to help me get over Chris breaking up with me, and then he ended up falling in love. His name is Eddie and he is absolutely amazing.
Also, my grandfather is about a second away from death. Earlier this week, his doctor told him that they have no other treatment options for his leukemia. The doctors have stopped his blood transfusions and his health just went south quickly. Eddie took me down there yesterday to pick up the mattress my grandfather is giving me, and he just looked terrible. He couldn't stay awake, and he's on morphine every two hours, along with Oxycontin. Seeing him like that was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I actually wish he would just pass so he doesn't have to live in pain anymore. When the hospice nurse came by she told us that letting him die at home is the most loving thing we can do for him.
We went back down today, and he was a little more lively and was off the oxygen.
This is the first close family member that I will lose. My grandfather has meant the world to me, he helped raise me, and watching him suffer like this is unbearable.
Eddie has been so amazing to me during this time. I've actually been living with him for the past 2 weeks cause I can't handle being at home right now. I fall in love with him more and more each day that I wake up next to him.
Sun, Mar. 23rd, 2008, 10:40 am
Happy Zombie Jesus Day!!!
Sat, Mar. 1st, 2008, 06:23 pm
Things are still going badly. I'm so hysterical right now.
All I want is a friend, but haven't much luck with those either.
I miss him so much and no matter what anyone says I really want him back, but that will never happen.
I wish I could stop crying. Every time I look at my finger I tear up.
I guess it's another early night of crying through tv and crying myself to sleep.
Fri, Feb. 29th, 2008, 12:14 pm
This week has been hell.
I keep thinking about him.
I've hung out with a friend of mine, but he hasn't been available lately, so that means no distractions.
I think it's finally hitting me that our relationship is really over, and I have to re-plan my life.
I HATE DATING.
I just want an evening of fun before I do my SCUBA training tomorrow. Cause I'm sure the last thing I need to be while practicing scuba diving is depressed.
It doesn't even feel like my meds are helping.
I haven't eaten much at all this week. Maybe 3 or 4 meals in the past 5 days.
Mon, Feb. 25th, 2008, 06:20 am
I'm no longer engaged.
Sat, Jan. 5th, 2008, 08:07 am
Christmas was alright. I got an XBOX 360, but I really needed new tires.
I left the day after Christmas to spend a week down in San Antonio with Chris. We saw I Am Legend, which is a good movie. I started getting tired of being there after a few days for 2 reasons: we didn't get much alone time together and his older brother is a very angry and hostile person so the atmosphere was pretty tense.
He goes in for his physical on Tuesday and then he picks the date for when he goes to boot camp. We still have to figure out when we're getting married.
I have to work today, and my feet still hurt from being on them all day yesterday.
Mon, Oct. 15th, 2007, 07:38 am
Good and Bad
+ I woke up early to study for a quiz I have today, but class is canceled.
+ Chris and I saw Sea Monsters 3D on Saturday. It was awesome!
+ I temporarily have a car. The parents bought a new car, so I get the old one until they sell it (Too old and crappy for a trade in). But I don't feel comfortable driving it long distances because the coolant is leaking into the oil and it's too expensive to fix.
- School load piling up + motivation deteriorating = really bad
- Chris is probably leaving this weekend to get Coast Guard stuff/our life started.
- I've been in a kind of funk lately.
Wed, Aug. 22nd, 2007, 08:37 am
The other day my laptop decided to stop working. Well, the computer works, but the monitor won't come on. When it decides to work, the screen goes gray after some amount of time. I took it to IT at school and they said they fixed it, but they lied! It's still acting up. What really annoys me is that I don't have time to fix it since I'm having surgery today and I definitely won't want to deal with it.
I'm pretty nervous about the surgery since this will be my first time (with the exception of the biopsy) getting cut open. Then again, I'll be glad to get this fucker out of my jaw since it's always hurting. I've been so depressed lately because of the constant pain.
Wed, Aug. 8th, 2007, 07:20 pm
I had my follow up today and found out what exactly is in my jaw. It's called Schwannoma, which is a benign tumor. My surgeon was very pleased with this because he won't need to take out much of my jaw bone, which means I won't need any reconstructive surgery on my jaw. I have my surgery scheduled for August 22.
Also, apparently it's rare for this particular tumor to be found in the jaw, so the pathologist wants to take pictures of the surgery and use my x-rays to publish this finding, which is pretty cool.